Pain, Heartache, and Stupid Moves

I have told stories to my friends, coworkers, family, and strangers and everyone says write a book. So I decided to start a blog. Now that it is up and going, I find it hard to write about some stuff that I find it so easy to talk about. I think about the pain I put my mama through when I ran away. I didn't tell anyone where I was going or who I was with. Just up and left. Went on a LONG road trip with the father of my children. I was only 16 at the time and when I think back about it, I feel SO dumb and wish I had been a GOOD kid. Woulda, shoulda, coulda. OH well, it didn't happen that way. I ran away and Mike put me in some skanky room, I don't remember where. It was somewhere in Freeport Texas. I never left there for days. Him or his friends would bring me food and drinks and drugs. I would eat, drink, and be merry, or make them merry. Although I was NEVER really merry. I did alot of things that to me now, would be UNSPEAKABLE. I would DIE if I thought for one minute that any of my own children were doing any of what I was doing back then. But never the less, it happened and I think back and wonder. HOW IN GODS NAME COULD I HAVE DONE THAT TO MY MOTHER? It almost killed her. She had just had a hysterectomy and wasn't in her right mind anyway. But after I left the way I did, she lost it for awhile.
Of course I didn't know that at the time, I was too busy being selfish and thinking of all the fun I was being promised.
So we struck off on an adventure that I wish I had not taken. I was given a birth certificate of another person and told to learn the information on it. I was to be her, if ever I was questioned. I was to become Carla Green, who became one of my very best friends later on down the line. She had been married to one of Mikes friends, Butch, and for some reason, he still had her birth certificate. Anyway, that is who I became, but not really. I only used her info when the cops or authority figures would ask. Otherwise I was known as "RED". I always hated that nickname, but I didn't question alot of what happened back then. You didn't dare, if you knew what was best for you. I learned that early on in the game. I should have been smart enough to have known that from the get go, but NO, I had to be stubborn and go with it anyway.
We left in the dark of the night stopping only long enough to run down some railroad track outside of town and grab a PILLOWCASE full of pills. I had never seen so many pills in my life. There was every color and shape in that bag. I don't know how they knew what was what. I sure didn't have any idea. But I took whatever was passed my way and the trip was fast and somewhat of a fog. We were stopped a few times for different things. I don't remember all the particulars, but they never took us in or arrested us, so I guess we weren't doing too much wrong. Except of course having a pillowcase of pills and lots of pot to smoke. We went to St Petersburg, Florida to see someone that Mike knew. His name was Jack and he was a good man "THEN". He was married and had a home and a job and seemed relatively happy. He was a fire extinguisher man. They had a beautiful Irish Setter named Maggie.
Once there, some really weird stuff started happening and it was more than just pills and pot. I was scared and tried to stay away from the action by watching tv or playing with Maggie or doing ALOT of sleeping.
We stayed there a week or so and then went on to West Palm Beach, where Mikes boat was on dry dock. Actually we were in Lake Worth, at the time, home of the National Inquirer. The boat was very nice and LARGE for a shrimp boat. But it was on dry dock and had been totally stripped of any food items and most things that people need to live. We did however have some beans and jello and we lived off of those two food items for a LONG time it seemed like. We stayed there for about a month or so before the boat was ready to go back into the water. During that month, I saw alot of stuff that I should not have been seeing at the ripe old age of 16. Mike had a friend that lived there named Claudia. She was a true angel to me. She would come get me and take me away from that boat all day long some days. She was so wonderful to me. She tried to talk me into going home, but I was still being stubborn and was beginning to be afraid to do anything against what Mike thought I should do. He had a very intimidating way about him. He could be so kind one minute and then so hateful and scary the next. But Claudia would come get me and we would go do little side jobs around town. She cleaned and did housekeeping for the more influential people. So we would spend all day cleaning houses or washing windows or sometimes just sitting around someones pool. Whatever we did, she always made it fun and she always paid me for my work. It never was a great amount, but anything she gave me was more than what I had. She would tell me to save it and hide it from Mike in case I ever needed money for anything. BUT I always came back to that boat and gave it to Mike and Butch and they would go buy dope with it. And I would sit alone on that boat and think about how stupid I was and wish I could just be home. I was too proud to call and tell anyone I wanted to come home. Then one day I woke up sicker than sick and was bleeding so bad I had to be taken to the hospital. I found out that I was pregnant. WOW WOW WOW What now??
Well it was close to my 17th birthday and I wanted to go home. But Mike says, "No we will just get married. BUT we have to call and ask your mom if it is ok". Well I didn't understand why NOW, of all times, we had to ask her permission for something. But I was just happy that he was saying I could call her. Before I was told I could not call her because she would have the call traced and they would come arrest us all. HOW DUMB WAS I?? Anyway we called her and I remember her asking him " why do you want to marry her now, what is the difference in marrying her or living with her the way you are now?" And he said, "Well normally I wouldn't want to marry her, but she is pregnant and I think it is the right thing to do". So mom said "whatever". And Mike told her we would be coming back to Texas soon and we would get married when we got back there. I don't know what she must have thought, but I can imagine what I would think if my daughter had called me like that after months of no word. I still have chills when I think about the pain I put her through. I wish I could take it all back and do things so differently but what's done is done. I have apologized so many times and I love her so much. I know that she has forgiven me for all I did to her, but I will live with it the rest of my life. I have tried so hard to make up for it and I feel like she knows this and we are at peace with each other. Just know mama, how very special you are to me, and how very sorry I am. No one could ever have a better mom than me. I love you mama.